Scrambled Eggs

How Deranged People Make Them: Crack eggs into a mixing bowl. Add milk (!) in case you might change your mind and want to drink them instead. Whisk furiously until uniform. Pour onto a hot griddle. Cook until rubbery. Break into chunks and serve with something else that tastes better.

This might be a reasonable way to make scrambled eggs if you work for a fast food restaurant or a packaged eggs factory. However, for those of us who like to eat eggs, this is an abomination. The scrambling is supposed to occur on the pan, and the eggs should end up scrambled, not turned into a monolithic substance.

Here’s how to make scrambled eggs properly:

  1. Melt some butter on a griddle or pan.
  2. If you like onions or peppers in your scrambled eggs, toss them into the butter now and saute them until they start to soften.
  3. What are you doing with that milk? Put it away, or pour it into a glass to drink. You’re making eggs, not eggnog, nor french toast.
  4. Crack eggs onto the buttered griddle.
  5. Take a moment to throw away the shells and rinse the egg off your fingers.
  6. Use a spatula to break the yolks, then stir the spatula through the eggs two or three times. This is scrambled.
  7. When about half of the egg is cooked and half is liquid, use the spatula to stir, break up, and turn the eggs. This is what differentiates scrambled eggs from an omelet.
  8. If you like cheese in your scrambled eggs, add it now (shredded).
  9. The eggs should come off the griddle before they are fully cooked. There should still be some liquid egg at this point. Don’t worry, it will be fine. If you try to completely cook the eggs on the griddle, they will end up rubbery and over-cooked.